Ambiguous Grief: Grieving Someone Who is Alive


I’ve been getting ready for a series of new beginnings. Seeing the end of old chapters and the beginning of new ones is not really easy for anyone, me especially. I’m a pretty sentimental gal and I hold onto memories and people and I hold onto them hard. I would call it a strength and a weakness to love people so completely and passionately. I was recently looking for the right words to describe some very strong feelings I was having about someone who is no longer in my life. This person is not dead, but the person I used to know is gone and will never be back. So why was I feeling the same way I would feel as though this person had passed?

Ambiguous Grief

As a nurse, I have encountered many grief situations with patients and experienced my own individual grief in some moments. I have lost dear friends and family members and felt “classic” grief. I have worked hard to help others through their own grief. Anyone who works every day with people can testify that we quickly learn that emotions are not always felt the same and there are many ways that grief is experienced. Grief, felt for someone who is still alive or missing from somewhere, is called ambiguous grief. Ambiguous grief can present itself with the loss of someone who has disappeared and may never return, like when a condition such as Alzheimer’s disease causes the loss of someone’s personality or who they truly are, or when someone begins to make choices and do things that turn them into someone unrecognizable to us, such as with addiction.


In my situation, a person I loved suffered from addiction and turned into a monster compared to who they used to be. They went from being someone I knew better than anyone to a complete stranger. Unpredictable and nothing like their old, vibrant self. I was hurt by them physically and emotionally as a result of their choices and actions and eventually had to sever ties to them. It was much like them dying at the time. I was not prepared to end the relationship and did not want to. It was something I felt I was never going to be able to completely heal from, and there were lasting effects on my life from the whole ordeal.

The Five Stages of Grief

The “Five Stages of Grief”, also known as the “Kubler-Ross Grief Cycle”, is a very generalized framework of grief that people often experience. These stages include denial anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance and do not necessarily reflect the order everyone passes through them. They are simply a basic understanding of grief.

I cycled through these stages more times than I could count over the last 6 years. The grief started before they had even exited my life. Sometimes I would move forward and feel I was almost to the stage of acceptance when I would fall right back into the anger, depression, or bargaining associated. I did my best to not deal with it at all when I could, which is never the answer.


I have learned some important things along this path of grief that I wish I would’ve known.

  • Acknowledge when you have lost something or someone, even if it is just a part of them, despite the loss not necessarily being a death.
  • Find other people who share your experiences and support each other. Who knows your grief better than someone else who is going through the same thing?
  • Cherish your happy memories. Nothing can take them from you.
  • Do not allow old, happy memories to cloud your vision when someone is no longer themselves and there is no turning back.
  • Don’t let rose colored glasses (aka your love and the past) give someone the chance to continue to hurt you if that is part of your situation as it was mine.
  • Live your life and embrace your grief so you can work through it.

Recently, I was confronted with this old stinging grief. I came to an imaginary crossroad in my life where the sign read “Move on” to the right and “Return to grief” to the left. I have taken that metaphorical left so many times. This last time I chose to take a right and leave this grief behind. Although I feel I may look back on that person in rare moments and feel a sadness, I choose to never feel this way again. It’s time to move forward with the happiness I deserve.


With so much love,

Just Ask the Nurse


Surviving Violence in Healthcare: One Year After My Assault

I’ve got a long and emotional one today, folks.


Day One

On the day of my assault, September 4th, 2017, I woke up like any other day. I had just come back from my week long vacation across the state of New York with Patrick and was finally feeling refreshed and ready to get back at it. Over halfway through the day, I saw a patient was going to be coming in by EMS. The complaint “Found Running Naked in Traffic” was my first idea of what was coming. Security had gone somewhere else to assist, but I didn’t think much about needing them.

When the patient arrived, it was clear that the EMS report had understated how bad off the patient was. He had initially been combative, bitten their thermometer probe in half, and was very unstable mentally and physically. He was a known methamphetamine and heroin user and had done something that day that was thought to be much worse based on his presentation. When I got him onto the stretcher he was talking to me and answering my questions. He was breathing 50 times a minute and his heart rate was 180. It was clear that he wasn’t going to be able to keep this up much longer on his own, so I rushed to grab the doctor and the stuff we would need for intubation, grabbing one of my favorite ER medics on the way back to the room to help me out. We were busy that day and there wasn’t anyone else around really to help out, so the three of us just went in and got to it.

I was instructed to grab a med to help the patient calm down some before we began the process of intubation. I turned around halfway to grab the medicine I had drawn up and when I turned back, the patient looked completely different. His eyes were huge and he was sitting up staring at me with a terrifying look on his face – blank, but calculating. In the two seconds I connected his eyes with mine, I realized he was about to hurt me and went to step back, but I didn’t react fast enough and he punched me in the head as hard as he could. I couldn’t see anything and was stunned. I remember saying “he hit me” and then the doctor pulling me away as he went to hit me again. There was a lot of noise and I remember walking out and going to the nurses station. The patient ended up going crazy. He kicked the medic and almost got him in the jaw, and there was a blood exposure. It took 5 men to hold him down while they gave him the medicine he needed to calm down.

Meanwhile, in shock, I got the triage information from the EMS crew who brought him in and answered the phone – his sister was on the line. The patient did not have a pulse shortly after and, still stunned, I went back in and we ran the code, getting his pulse back after two rounds of CPR. After giving report off to another nurse once he was stabilized, I was told to go wash my face, not realizing he had cut me under my eye and I had a mix of his and my blood on my face and in my eye. I looked back at myself in the mirror and didn’t know who I was looking at. What happened to me? Why did he do that? I suddenly felt flashed back to the last time I was physically assaulted by my ex. Those feelings flooded back and I had to calm myself to go speak with the police.

The police officers who came to take our reports brushed mine and my co-worker’s experiences off like no big deal. They tried to make me feel embarrassed by skeptically saying, “so you’re saying he battered you?” One tried to convince me to put a fake address citing, “he’ll know where you live, it’s all public record” while the other informed me the case would be dropped if the attorney couldn’t get ahold of me immediately. I was kindly informed that “these types of cases usually aren’t prosecuted”. After 4 hours of medical care, a blood draw, and waiting to find out if I had been exposed to HIV, I went home and felt absolutely broken. I was scheduled for the next 2 days after so I decided, stubbornly, that I was not taking any time off because of this.

I came in to work with a positive attitude. I was NOT going to let that guy ruin my day. We all laughed and joked about it. I went home and at about 9pm on day #2 it all hit me. I began to have the worst headache I’d ever had. I was so dizzy I wanted to throw up when I moved or stood up and every time I closed my eyes I felt like I was falling. I went to work the next day and was told to leave and get checked out at one of our hospital run clinics. “You have a concussion,” the provider told me. I didn’t understand how I could be going through this. She told me she had no idea when I would be better and to come back in a week if it was still going on.

The Aftermath


I worked and had to leave early pretty much every day – barely making it through each day. I was angry, frustrated, irritable, and mostly, felt like total shit. My head never stopped hurting and the dizziness, nausea, and lightheaded feeling wouldn’t go away no matter what I tried or took. My ears were constantly ringing so loud that I felt like I couldn’t hear anything else. The medications just made me sleepy and I had a toddler to care for and full-time graduate school to keep up with. I returned to the clinic 2 more times before I was finally referred to a neurologist. Almost a month after the assault, I got the CT scan I needed and X-rays of my neck. The neurologist diagnosed me with Post-Concussion Syndrome and a whiplash injury and prescribed more medications to try to help. “Come back in a month.”

Over the next month things only got worse. The neurologist recommended physical therapy but it took 3 weeks to get the referral from Worker’s Compensation, who always made me feel like a faker. I probably would’ve thought that about myself if I wasn’t in my own body. My friends and family were kind to me and understanding, but after awhile I just shut down. Who wants to hear negative Nellie talk about her messed up brain all the time? I just hid how awful I felt and suffered alone. Physical therapy was brutal, leaving my neck sore and making me so exhausted that I’d have to go home and sleep after. I felt like all I did anymore was work, sleep, and cry.

At my 2nd month appointment with the neurologist, things were worse than ever. I sobbed through the whole appointment. The poor doctor was very awkward and I could tell he didn’t know how to comfort me, really. “Give it more time, one day it’ll be better,” he said. Meanwhile, I felt like life was falling apart. Patrick and I were fighting and I felt like I was barely scraping by in school. I couldn’t take care of my house and was barely able to do anything with my son. My paid time off hours were dwindling away and I saw no end in sight. I was told by worker’s compensation that “nobody told me I needed to leave early everyday”, so they would not be compensated. I wanted to give up on my job. Every patient was suspect and couldn’t be trusted. I was jumpy and scared constantly of the next hit. People seemed more irritable than ever and every time I had to call security on a patient who was aggressive or threatening, I would have to go get myself together again somewhere private. For anyone who has worked ER, there are a lot of those kinds of patients.


By the third month, I was the worst I had been. My head was hurting so badly by the end of the day that I would cry with pain. I had a baby with no pain medicine, so you could say that wasn’t characteristic for me. Nobody knew how to help me and it made me want to lash out. I felt angry and helpless all the time. I woke up dizzy and in pain and went to bed dizzy and in pain. I began to see an employee assistance program therapist and it helped me somewhat with coming to terms with my anger for the man who had done this to me, and realize there was nothing I could’ve done. I worked hard on letting myself forgive him so I could try to move on, and began to try and rebuild my trust for patients, which had been totally lost. In this experience, I lost my love for nursing. I had to learn how to love my job again that I had waited so long to have and worked so hard for.

Turning the Corner

On the morning of December 6th, 2017, I woke up and opened my eyes, something I dreaded everyday due to the way I had felt all those mornings, and it was different. The room was still and my head was pain free. There was no sound – just the quiet of the room. I sat up carefully, waiting for everything to kick in, and realized I wasn’t dizzy. I began to cry because of how happy I felt. I went cautiously through the next few days, waiting for everything to come back, but the only thing I felt was the occasional slight headache. The worst was over. Just over three months after my assault, I was back to myself. I continued doing the things I needed to do to heal. I followed with the neurologist, wrote the chief of police with the department that I felt had dismissed my assault as no big deal, and tried to get my voice back. I started living my life again and finished the session in school strong. I had put on 15 pounds and began to exercise again and take care of myself. I was still having to have blood testing to ensure I hadn’t contracted his Hepatitis B and Hepatitis C, but everything was good.

I found out that the police had in fact put the wrong address on my report and I almost didn’t get to tell the state attorney’s office that I wanted to move forward with charges because of it. I got in touch with them just before Christmas and they expressed to me that they would absolutely be pursuing the case. They validated that what happened to us was wrong and would not be accepted. It was not “just part of the job”. It was said by the prosecutor I spoke with that this was a problem within the specific police department who handled my case. I was so disappointed.

Finding a Voice


About six months after the assault, I learned from the state attorney’s office that the man had died after a months long hospital stay and obviously, the case would be dropped. I felt sad. Sad for him as a person, because something had made him the way he was and it didn’t happen overnight, and sad for victims of assault in healthcare, because we all deserve justice and too often it never comes. We aren’t fully supported when these assaults occur and this has to change. The night of my assault, I messaged the viral doctor-rapper, ZDoggMD, and told him my story. He had been bringing to light the very important conversation about violence in healthcare. I didn’t expect him to ever message me back, but he did. He included a quote from me and my picture in a very touching video aimed at garnering support for victims of assault and the safety of healthcare workers as a whole. You can find it below:

I have learned so much about myself in the last year. I am so much stronger and resilient than I ever thought. I have the best team at work of supportive, loving, amazing people who have had my back and made me feel safe anytime I wasn’t. I know now how real this problem is, and that I want to do whatever I can do to bring violence against healthcare workers to the attention of everyone. It is a culture problem and it is all of our responsibility to fix. Nothing gets better if we ignore it. Please don’t stay silent if this has ever happened to you. Our voices matter and will be the tide of change.



With love,

Just Ask the Nurse

When Things Don’t Go Right


I’ve always been someone who needs to have a plan for my life. I enjoy being spontaneous day-to-day, but in the big picture, I always have a plan for how I want things to go. Having goals set in place has always given me something to work toward. A way to propel myself forward in really shitty times, and I’ve had several of them in my life that I, at times, thought I would not be able to overcome. Somehow I got through them and things always worked out one way or another. Recently, life has felt kind of topsy turvy for me and it’s had me thinking about when things don’t go right.

There have been times where nothing has gone the way I wanted or planned for it to go. Every step in the road to wherever I wanted to go had some bump or hurdle for me to overcome, and it was exhausting. There were days when I would wake up and not want to move from my bed, fully ready to give up and reformulate my plan for something else – something easier. Thankfully, the people in my life have never accepted those days or times as my defining moments, and they never allowed me to give up.

Recently, there have been more obstacles and I’ve had to make adjustments to my life and the road that will lead me to where I want to be. It felt like the last straw that I could handle on this super long journey I’ve been on. I was so ready to give up on my dreams and just stop where I’m at. I’ve learned some things though in this short 26 year span of life though that helped me this go around.

For one thing, a person is not defined by the obstacles they face, but by the way they face them. I have always loved the quote about fearing the person who looks into fire and smiles (okay maybe not someone who is looking at a house fire like a total nut case smiling, that ain’t cool) because I kind of identify with that. Anyone who has trudged through miles of metaphorical shit in their life probably feels that way. I don’t think a successful life is for the faint of heart. Success is what comes with time, hard work, energy, patience, and sometimes blood/sweat/tears. If everyone gave up every time their plans or ideas went awry, nothing would ever get accomplished. I’m also a firm believer that there is something positive or a lesson of some sort in every situation. We may not always see it in the moments where we are really in pain what those takeaways might be, but they always have a way of showing themselves in the end (and if they haven’t, maybe it’s not the end!). Finally, this quote:

“It won’t always be like this.”

-My poor momma who has had to tell me this at least 9,000 times

So in these moments where I feel fatigued, beaten, or just plain over it, what will I do? What should any of us do? We should persist. We should hold on to our dream, goal, plan, or idea and keep on fighting until we get where we want to go – no matter what. Until then, be strong.

Much love,

Just Ask the Nurse